Monday, October 30, 2006

Monday and the Super Crab

Monday. Blah. The best thing I can say about this Monday is that it is almost over. Yes, I know how pessimistic of me (did I spell that right - I hate bad spelling). Actually I hate making spelling mistakes and I hate mispronouncing words. I mean really I take pride in my vocabulary - I know scrapbooking and big words, you're painting a picture aren't you - believe me it's not what you are picturing. I swear to God if your picture includes that "I'm Purrrfect" sweatshirt I'm never blogging at you again.

Oh and adding to the ugliness of Monday is the fact that tomorrow night is Halloween and yet Dancing with the Stars will go on. Mario will be there flashing his dimples and I won't be there. I will be running around the neighborhood with my goblins wishing for a margarita and Mario. I mean I love my kids and all but it's supposed to be a Halloween Extravaganza with the dancing stars. What exactly does a Halloween extravaganza entail? Will there be costumes? Will there be fantastic tricks and eye pleasing treats? Will Mario be appearing as a stripper? I wonder how long it takes to get Tivo hooked up? Anyone?

There probably won't be a post tomorrow, unless something extremely irritating happens on the way to work tomorrow morning (and it could happen considering the Walmart Zone and Halloween and all - I mean it isn't like 50% of the Walmart shoppers aren't scary enough every other day of the year).

Have a great Halloween and if you see Mario tell him I'm waiting for my treats, I should be home by 10:00!

Saturday, October 28, 2006

Who knew it was Saturday???

Okay I know I don't usually post on Saturday's but I didn't post on Friday and if you've been paying any attention at all you know that Friday's are "crab-free" days. So since I didn't post on Friday and even the crabbiest of girls need one day to be rid of the crabs I decided today was the day.

So, here we are, it's Saturday. I got to stay up late last night and scrapbook (not a word) and then sleep in a little later this morning. Ahhhh the serenity of Saturday - until I wake up and all is reality (smiley - need the smiley - seriously).

Anyway, today my husband took the kids on a little trip to see his parents and I was left behind to clean to prepare for a visit from my parents - who will be arriving some time late this afternoon. So what did I do with my precious few hours of solitude? I mean it is a given that the house needed cleaning, which had to be done before my MOTHER's (and dad's) arrival, and there are only so many hours to get it done, but what did I do? I decided this would be the ideal time to spend forty-five minutes arranging my daughters' closet (no that is not a typo - 2 daughters - 1 closet - I know it is insane) by item type, sleeve length, pant length and color family. Now did this really need to be done. No. My mom is not THAT much of a neat freak. It isn't like she was going to go through the closet and say "oh honey, I don't know if you noticed but you have a yellow short sleeved blouse in with the pink long sleeved sweatshirts. Is that really where you want it?" I mean sure she might think that but she would never say it. But for some reason, while I was dealing with limited time I decided that this was a task that just could not wait another minute. I do this all the time - when I have a dead-line looming I will find the most unimportant item to be done and then spend countless precious minutes working on that one, tiny, insignificant thing. I know, it's a problem. Maybe if I wasn't so busy cleaning the hairspray off of my curling iron I wouldn't be late for church so often.

So anyway, the house did get cleaned and the bonus is that my girls' closet looks like Gap Kids. It's fabulous!!! And well worth the time - really!

Okay I have to go my parents will be here any minute and I have to decide if I should start the macaroni salad or clean the hairbrushes...

Happy Saturday

Oh - and while I was enjoying my solitude this morning my doorbell rang and I ignored it. If it was you I'm sorry. Don't take it personally.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Who Is Looking for my crabby self?

Why is it that there are always two classmates looking for me? At least that is what reunion.com tells me almost every other day. Who are these two classmates and why are they looking for me? And why is it always two classmates and is it the same two classmates every time? Are they futilely checking reunion.com every other day hoping I will miraculously appear? I mean really, if I wanted to stay in touch I would have called or emailed by now. QUIT LOOKING I don’t want to be found!

Oh and the other thing that bugs me about reunion.com or classmates.com or whatever it is called is if I WERE looking for someone I might not want them to know I am looking. Who made it their business to tell on me? Okay, fine, I’ll admit it sometimes I check out these websites and yes, sometimes there may be a certain some one or two that I am curious about but really I don’t think they need to know. SERIOUSLY. Between the reunion.com tattle tales and Caller ID how does a girl ever have any secrets? You know if Mario figures out it’s me that has been stalking him the dance will never be the same.

OH MY GOSH, I just had a thought. Maybe those two classmates that are looking for me ARE ME? I know it’s stupid to look at your own profile but, well, sometimes I do, just to make sure I haven’t changed or anything. So maybe it is just me checking me out. I guess I better send myself a message so I know I’m okay and reunion.com can stop letting me know someone is looking for me.

Okay so now I am leaving to check out everyone I have ever known on THAT website. If you get an email that someone is looking for you they are – it’s me.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Crabby Late

I was late this morning. I hate being late. Well, okay I am occasionally late for family social functions and church. Yes, it’s true, growing up I was the one that was always wasting time and getting yelled at to “hurry up, we’re leaving”. I’m still the last one out the door when it’s time to leave for church, but now that I’m a mom I think that is my job; last person out the door – church or otherwise.

But that being said I HATE being late for work or appointments. It makes me feel all anxious and crabby. I remember once when I was still young, single and foolish I was four minutes late for work and the manager I had at that job noted I was late and asked why. Well I didn’t like her anyway and was feeling a little rebellious so I told it like it was and said “Hey I didn’t like the way my hair looked, I’ll make up the four minutes tonight”. I mean really late or bad hair – which would you choose? EXACTLY!

Anyway, I wasn’t super late this morning – just five minutes, but still Late is Late. When I run late that rabbit in my head keeps saying “I’m Late I’m Late for a very important date”. And you know what I’ve never even seen that darn Alice in Wonderland movie or read the book. I know one line from the entire movie and that’s it, but it runs through my head more often than the soundtrack from the Sound of Music. Aggravating.

Okay, it IS Wednesday and you didn’t think I would let another moment go by without mentioning my Mario did you. Did you see those moves last night? He certainly can shake it (well not as well as Joey “no hair” Lawrence, but then I think Joey was more of a shimmier) Anyway, Mario has better over all moves, BUT I think the judges are bored with Mario because he is so good. It is kind of like telling a professional they are good. I mean how many times can you say – “man you are so hot and you knocked my socks off will you come home with me”? Okay so maybe that sounds more like what I say but you get the picture right? Anyway, he is good, and has all the right moves, but I think he (Mario) has lost some of his passion. Do you think he knows I wasn’t watching last week?

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Haircuts and not so crabby reminders

So I still don’t know if I like this evening update stuff. I haven’t adjusted yet. It’s throwing off my Zen. I’ll give it a few more days and then we’ll see how I feel. The good news is I’ve always got something to feel crabby about.

Speaking of crabby – okay, so this morning it happened, I got behind the 20 in a 40 zone driver. HELLO – it’s 40. That’s 20 mph faster than you are driving grandma! So what do I do? I sit in the car and say – it’s 40, it’s 40, it’s 40 – hoping that they will telepathically pick up my crabby and IRRITATED vibes. It never works… Oh and this happened even BEFORE I entered the Walmart Zone! You know that is NOT a good sign.

But there has been some light in my day. Lately I have been liking my hair which can only mean one thing. I must have a haircut coming up. I’m never exactly sure when my next cut is scheduled. Whenever I get a haircut I schedule the next appointment for five weeks. I pick a date, the receptionist girl fills out the little reminder card and hands it to me, I very sincerely accept the card and then drop it into the black hole of my purse and never see it again. Why? Because they call me! The day before I have a haircut there is a friendly message on my machine reminding me I have a haircut. I love that reminder. I love that they take the time to call me and tell me I have a haircut, because even though I have a reminder card somewhere in my purse I’m never quite sure of the actual appointment date. Sure there are signs it’s getting close, a month has passed, I’m running out of hairspray, it’s been a good hair week, that kind of thing, but there is nothing that cements the date in my mind like the reminder call.

Oh and how come my hair knows I have a haircut coming up? Does it have a psychic connection to the reminder card? Does one hair become the leader and line the rest up to tell them that this is the week of the haircut so they all better straighten up because you never know who may get the “permanent cut”? Who knows? And what would happen if I refused the reminder card? Would I have a good hair month? Or would my hair freak out because it didn’t have the reminder card ESP to rely on? I’m afraid to find out. All I know is that six months from now when I clean out my purse I will find at least five reminder cards – and if it wasn’t for the reminder PHONE CALL I never would have remembered one of those appointments – not one! So, I wonder why they fill out those cards anyway. Don’t they know I am dependent on the reminder call NOT the card. I mean really, does anyone actually remind themselves from the reminder card??? This could keep me up all night…

Monday, October 23, 2006

I know I know and it makes me crabby too...

Yes, I DO know it is Monday EVENING but this is my new update time. Yes, I also know that this is not how things started out but this is how they are now. Yes, changes make me a little crabby too but we'll all adjust - I promise. REALLY - have I let you down yet (alright so one day I did a little complaining and I said I didn't complain and as devoted as I am to Mario I did completely forget about him last week - but, trust me, those were isolated incidents).

So this is the new schedule. Updates in the evening. Will there be updates every evening? I doubt it, I DO have a life you know. I mean I have kids to feed and a husband to pamper (DO NOT LAUGH) and Mario to stalk and scrapbooking to do and laundry and cooking and shopping and Grey's Anatomy and... see do you see why I am crabby? Does it come as any surprise? I mean when is the house cleaning fairy going to show up at my house? If you see her please let her know that I'm tired of waiting for her. Just tell her to stop at the dang gas station already and ask for directions - the friendly folks at Kwik Trip know where to find us. Just follow the trail of fruit snacks and Oreos.

You know the worst part about the evening update stuff - I'm so overloaded with crabby I can't concentrate. If you have any solutions for that let me know (SMILEY - I need a dang SMILEY).

That's it for TONIGHT. Feel free to discuss and share your thoughts and opinions. I mean it can't make me any crabbier - right?

Friday, October 20, 2006

No Crab For You!

No Crab For You! Are you hearing the Soup Nazi from Sienfeld in your head? Aren’t there just things that when you think them you hear them in a different voice? Like when I think Ruh Roh I think it in Scooby Doo’s voice, or when I talk to my friend Maria, Julie Andrews is there, in the back of my head, singing Climb Every Mountain, or when I think SERIOSLY it is Meredith “McWhiny” Grey’s voice. Okay, fine, never mind but that is how it happens in my head.

So here we are – FRIDAY – again! HOORAY! I am sooo wanting to be crabby but I won’t do it. I will not ruin the goodness of Friday. The start of the weekend. The beginning. Ahhh Friday. Wait - does this sound similar to last Friday’s post? Man I hate it when I am unoriginal. Usually I’m quirky. I love that word – QUIRKY. Actually I love words. I know it’s weird (like you’re surprised) but I do. There are some great words out there just waiting to be used - like myriad, and inexplicable and extrapolate, and supercalfragilisticexpealidocious. Yep I love words. Writing them, saying them, thinking them. Words are fun. Just another thing you have to trust me on. I am not a complainer and words are fun – really.

Anyway, of course Friday brings Grey’s Anatomy after glow, which I eluded (good word) to last Friday. As much as I ADMIRE Mario and all of his attributes, if it was a choice between his dancing feet or all of the Grey’s Anatomy angst I would pick Grey’s (sorry Mario, I’ll make it up to you). So what I love most about the show is that sense of surprise – you think you have it all figured out and then, like real life, it doesn’t really turn out like you thought. The alternative isn’t bad, just different than what you thought you knew and expected. You know? Like when I thought it was going to be Callie and McSteamy and instead it was Addison. The writers are so good at that. But then there was the 8.7 million dollars. Who carries around a check for 8.7 million dollars? Who spills orange juice on a check for 8.7 million dollars? Who hangs a check for 8.7 dollars on the refrigerator? Sure, I get that Izzy wants to do something good with the money, and so would I (after my shopping spree at TJ Maxx) but deposit the darn check already. Man it drove me nuts. And next week that dang check better still be hanging on the refrigerator. And if it is gone, there better be a good explanation for it being gone because you don’t just hang 8.7 million dollars on the refrigerator and then act like it was never there. Oh shoot. Did that sound crabby? I didn’t mean it.

So okay what would YOU do with 8.7 million dollars (and DON’T say you would hang it on the refrigerator)? By the way I keep asking these questions and no one is answering. Come on people – answer the question. Humor me. Make my day (Client Eastwood voice). Fine, you don’t have to answer but you know you are hurting my feelings – right?? Just so you know (if I could I’d put a smiley right here).

Happy Friday. Now go out and pretend you have 8.7 million dollars and do something good.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

I miss Mario and it makes me crabby...

Mario, Mario wherefore art thou Mario…

I missed it. I missed Mario. First I don’t remember burning my finger and then I forgot about MARIO? I must be losing my mind. How does a person forget Mario??? Seriously.

I had an errand to run last night, (yes, yes, yes, it was at the scrapbook store – get over it already) and I knew something was nagging at the back of my mind but I didn’t know what it was so I went on my merry way. If only I had known. If only I had realized that while I was busy chatting and browsing and feeling pretty paper Mario was dancing without me.

So, I got home, turned on the TV and there it was Dancing With the Stars and it was almost over. WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? No Mario dancing his way into my heart. No dimples flashing at me from the screen (my youngest daughter has dimples like that. I have no idea where she got them. I don’t have dimples, my husband doesn’t have dimples, now Mario, he has dimples – HEY, maybe… Oh wait, now that I WOULD remember). So, yes, I missed the whole dang thing. Sure I saw the group disco number at the end (and where the heck was Donna Summer? – what is disco without Donna?) and a lot of Joey “Boring” Lawrence but very little of my Mario. It was a very sad moment indeed. It made me CRABBY! But I voted for Mario anyway, I know he was good, he’s always good…

ANYWAY, although I am still crabby over missing Mario I almost had to get over it on my way to work. I mean how can I be truly crabby when I got to “shake the paint off the walls” with the Hooters this morning. Really. Can you not help but smile when you think of that snappy tune (see, if I knew how to add an audio clip I would have the Hooters brightening your day but as it is I can’t even add a smiley… )? I can see that my friend Amy (with the Purrrrfect sweatshirt) and I are going to have to discuss 80’s pop music today. It’s just a given considering I started my day with the Hooters and moved on to Eddie Money. Sometimes you just have to follow your destiny (I NEED A SMILEY).

Okay that’s it. Watch Mario tonight. He’s on again. He’s my hero (SMILEY).

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Colds and Crabs

BLECH! My eyes are watery, my throat is a scratchy, my nose is stuffy and I didn’t sleep well. You know what that means (remember there is a trend here) - CRABBY!

I hate colds. Everyone in the house has a cold. There is sniffling and coughing and groaning and crying. And to top it off I burned my finger while curling my hair this morning. I don’t remember burning my finger. I don’t remember that gasp of pain when my delicate skin made contact with hot metal. I don’t know how I missed it. BUT it must have happened because now my pinky is throbbing and I have a nice puffy blister starting. How could I have forgotten burning my finger? Boy I must be losing it or maybe this cold is making me delirious :-) (it's not a real smiley but it will work...)

Sooooo, I can see I am going to have to get a grip. In my very first post, the beginning of the Crabby Chronicles, I assured you that I was not a complainer. I assured you that there was a difference between crabbing and complaining. I assured you that you would come to see the truth of my statement. I am beginning to think I lied. What I wrote today is coming very close to complaining. Someone quick slap me! I solemnly swear to never complain again (well almost never, okay well no more than once a week). Are you happy now???

So that’s it. I’m crabby with a cold that is bringing me perilously close to being a complainer and has me so delirious that I didn’t even know it when I singed my tender skin on the curling iron. I don’t know about you but I think I should just crawl back to bed.

Monday, October 16, 2006

Smilies and Crabs

It’s Monday, so let’s just jump right into it okay??? I mean really, I have such a myriad of reasons for being crabby today I don’t even know where to start.

Alright fine, I’ll say it. I am very crabby because I do not know how to add smilies on this blog. Can I do it? Are there smilies available? Or maybe this is a smiley free blog-zone. If there are smilies here I don’t know how the heck to find them, or use them or insert them or whatever it is that you are supposed to do with smilies.

Really, could someone PLEASE tell me how to insert a smiley – Seriously! I am so preoccupied with my smiley obsession I can’t even think of anything else to say.

Alright, I'm going to try to get over it, to move on, to supress my inner smiley. So what is going on in your world? Are you a Monday Morning Crab or a Susie Sunshine ready to greet the new week with a smile? (DANG - there it is again – the need for a smiley – is there no end? Will I be forever haunted by the lack of smiley posting? Is my life to be reduced to implied smilies?)

Please, help me. Reach out. End this obsession. Tell me about your Monday. Only then may I conquer the smiley. Maybe…

Friday, October 13, 2006

I can't be crabby - it's Friday!!

Friday. It’s Friday. I’m just too happy it’s Friday to be crabby. Well I could be a little crabby because it is the Friday the 13th thing but I’m not really into the superstition stuff. I mean I’ve done thousands of the “forward this email to 500 of the people that matter the most in your life and all your wishes will come true” emails and frankly not once has my wish come true. NOT ONCE. Dang emails, they get my hopes up, I’m all ready to head to the mall to start spending my millions, and then it hits me. My dream is NOT coming true. It makes me crabby. --- Oops, sorry, I relapsed.

Okay, so there are so many reasons I am happy for the Fabulousness of Friday. I have Grey’s Anatomy afterglow, I’m meeting my friend Amy for lunch, (and if I’m lucky she will be wearing her “I’m Purrrrrfect” kitty sweatshirt - she scrapbooks too), I get to stay up past my bedtime and do whatever I want until the wee hours of the morning, and when I get home from work today I’ll feel that euphoric rush that means the weekend. Ahhhhhhhh. The Joy of Friday.

So in honor of “I Can’t Be Crabby – It’s Friday” I am going to think of all things happy. I’m not going to think of anything crabby, like the weather, or smashed pumpkins on the side of the road, or that Walmart thing, or laundry that reproduces, or those emails that threaten to bring destruction and pestilence to me if I don’t follow the rules and forward the letter of doom to all my favorite people, because you know I am just hopping to bring sadness and despair to people I love. Nope, I’m not going to do it, I’m not going to get crabby (and believe me it’s really a crap shoot because for just a minute there I felt it happening – I felt myself inching to the other side – but I stopped – I pulled myself back – I thought happy thoughts and remembered that last night on My Name is Earl, Randy was wearing an “I’m Purrrrrfect” sweatshirt, that made me smile).

So today I’m really going to work on not being crabby. On being happy. On changing my name to Pollyanna. On finding my rose-colored glasses. On my love of clich├ęs (I need a smiley here – seriously).

So this is what I came up with. This is what made me happy this week:
The big, beautiful, glowing Harvest Moon.
My kids singing silly songs.
The beautiful flowers my McHubby sent me.
Watching Mario Lopez dance (and smile, and talk, and move, and…)
Talking to my friend Amy about Malibu Barbie and the Fischer Price Little People Dollhouse (you know the one, blue with a yellow roof, opened in the middle, two bedrooms, one car garage, under the stairs storage. The perfect mom, dad and two kids with plastic hair family home).

So tell me what made you happy this week. Really, I want to know, I’m not just saying it. I REALLY want to know. So tell me or else I’ll get crabby…

Thursday, October 12, 2006

You're not helping

I've gotten comments from California and Florida and Georgia and LONDON for God's sake, letting me know about the fabulous weather in those locations. Just let me say one thing - YOU PEOPLE ARE NOT HELPING! It isn't making the crabby thing any better. Seriously (ha).

Oh and for those that were offended by my reference to Walmart. I didn't say EVERY person that goes to Walmart is a bad driver - just most of them. I mean really, if you are my friend and I have ever been in a car with you your driving can't be that bad (if I knew how to insert a smiley here I would so just imagine the smiley okay???). So just forget the Walmart thing. It's over, it's done.

Gotta run. I want to get out the door before the Walmart lunch crowd starts whizzing by (this is where I would put another smiley).

It's COLD - I'm crabby!

Okay did I mention that it is Mid-October? Mid-October people. Mid-October: sunny days, brisk nights, let's take a walk and look at all the pretty leaves and enjoy the sight of birds flying south and squirrels gathering their nuts and school kids waiting for the bus. That's mid-October. What did I wake up to this morning? Flippin' December! It is 25 degrees outside right now. That is below freezing. That is frost on the windshield and ice on the sidewalk. That is winter coats.

I hate winter coats. They're bulky, they're a hinderence, they make me look like a snowman. I mean really, if I were six feet tall and had a body like Cindy Crawford I might not mind (well I might mind because if I had a body like Cindy Crawford I'd just walk around naked all day and a winter coat would really mess with that) but as it is I'm not six feet tall so hate the winter coat. Of course this makes me CRABBY! I'll get over it but right now it is really grating on my nerves just looking at that ugly winter coat hanging on the back of my door.

Thank goodness none of those people who don't know how to drive were on the road this morning. Right now there is still hope, the crabbiness could dissipate, but if I had encountered those 20 in a 40 zone, let's run a red light and wait until the last second to pull out in front of you people all hope would be gone. The crabbiness would be pretty constant - at least until noon.

Did I mention I have to pass a Walmart at least twice every day. You know that is where all the bad drivers hang out - right? Seriously, the next time you are near a Walmart look around - bad drivers EVERYWHERE! I don't do Walmart, it might turn me into a bad driver...

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

I'm crabby and passionate

Yes, it's true. I am a crabby person at heart. Now don't go thinking I'm a complainer because I don't complain - there is a huge difference between complaining and being crabby. Seriously, you have to believe me on this, I KNOW the difference. Alright fine, don't believe me but you'll see. Really.

So other than revealing my crabby side to the world why am I blogging? Well because I'm bored today. Well that and I'm a little bit crabbier than usual. This morning I got up and the rain was raining and the wind was winding and the leaves were leaving and work was working. The threat of snow is snowing on the horizon. Holy Bananas it is only mid-OCTOBER. HOLD OFF ALREADY. I think Mother Nature is a crabby wench too - she has issues...

Let's see what else can I share? Normally I'm good at sharing. You tell me a story I tell you a story. It makes for a nice conversation. But today, I've got a captive audience, and I've got nada. Nothing to share. Well I have things to share but I'm holding out. You never know when I might need material.

So it's up to you. What do you want to discuss? I mean we could talk about the weather - oh wait I did that already. We could talk about my disposition - oops covered that already too. We could discuss my passions. Quit it - I mean passions as in what I like to do. What gets me excited and kind of puts the crabby thing at bay. Okay let's talk about that. Passions. Hmmmmm. Well, aside from the crabby thing, cause really, let's all be honest sometimes it's just fun to bitch, of course I'm passionate about my kids and husband, and I'm really passionate about TJ Maxx, even if Dr. Christian Troy (Nip/Tuck, baby) thinks its a tacky place to shop. I can be very passionate about Grey's Anatomy and Mario Lopez (can you say he's on the list???) and then there are my hobbies. Did I mention Scrapbooking. DO NOT ROLL YOUR EYES. I mean really I don't have any of those cutsey kitty sweat shirts that say "I'm Purrrrfect" or anything tacky like that. I'm a cool scrapper. A happenin', hip chick. It's a creative outlet. I can cut and color and paste and use glitter and glue and fun ribbon and nobody minds. Hey it's better than playing with paperdolls...

Okay that's it. This is my blog. Like or leave it. Love it or hate it. But this is what it is. Hey, what do you expect it's a work in progress... Now tell me your stories. But if all you're going to do is be bitchy find your own blog 'cause you're invading my bubble by doing it here.