Tuesday, March 31, 2009
I can't wait to be a perfect person. To have the perfect body. To be the perfect wife and mom and friend. I can't wait. I can't wait. I can't wait. It is a HUGE character flaw. Seriously. Because in the process of impatiently waiting for things to happen, perfectly, things are happening all around me. Today that is making me sad. What if I miss once in a lifetime opportunities because I just don't think I am perfect enough?
So, I take these thoughts about perfection and add thoughts of perception which leads me to a huge self-righteous discussion with myself, I tell myself that it doesn't matter that I am not perfect. That I am who I am. That it is okay to just be me as I am right now. That the people who like me, like me for who I am today, not the perfect person I am waiting to become.
I try to tell myself that it is all okay and if things get better along the way - HOORAY FOR ME. But then I think what if they don't get better? What if they stay the same? What if I am never the perfect me I think I should be? And what if I decide to be an imperfect me and be okay with that but others aren't okay with that? What if they still think I'm too ugly or too fat or too chatty or too needy or JUST TOO MUCH??? What if? Then I get all bogged down with the impatience and never enjoy the journey along the way. I have to learn how to enjoy the journey. I have to learn to have faith that even though I may not be perfect today (and I may never be perfect) that it is okay - that people still love me. That the only one who is impatiently waiting for the perfect me to arrive is me. That is what I have to learn. And if I do that - well than I may be perfect...
Sorry I know this may be a little too much. I was going to sit on it until I could say what I wanted to say perfectly but instead I just decided to say it from the heart. Move along now - there is nothing left to see.
TTFN... remember to enjoy the unexpected surprises along the way whether you are ready for them or not - they are all part of the journey.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
I am back logged with sign orders - AGAIN. It is the funniest thing - I just get caught up with signs and just when I think I might be able to actually organize all my JUNK bam I get a bunch of orders - no one wants the darn ready-made stuff...
I just finished a big order for a store in California (so now I have signs in stores in Chicago, Atlanta and somewhere near LA) and several custom orders (including a baby name banner - Sofia Clementine - which was very whimsical - and you just know the mom has to be whimsical if she named her baby Sofia Clementine - it is a mouthful but something about it just makes me happy)
Anyway, I thought I had a little break coming (you know where I could knit) but not so much. I got a local custom order, a reminder about a custom order I forgot :-(, an order for the Chicago store, and a Just Married banner which I'm anxious to start (yes, yes, yes, the Just Married banners are some of my favorites - the brides are always so excited and they share all kinds of information about their wedding with me and I try very, very hard to make sure the banner is just right - after all it is a once in a lifetime event).
Anyway, I actually closed the shop for a very short time earlier this week - or was it earlier last week - I can't remember - the HoTY thinks it takes up too much of my time, but I really do enjoy the opportunity to be creative - sooooo as a compromise I have promised to limit the number of hours I spend doing this (which means I just have to give people longer deadlines to get their stuff) so I can spend a little bit more time with him. So far it is working okay, except - like now, when I'm really feeling the pressure to get things done. Luckily the kids are all gone this weekend (yes, it will be a date night tonight) so I can spend more time locked away with my scissors and paper (and Friday Night Lights Seasons I & II - LOVE Friday night lights - LOVE IT) and it isn't such a big deal.
Shoot and now I just remembered I was going to take the dog for a walk but I forgot and I already changed into my "work" clothes - which are NOT presentable for the neighborhood. Dang. This forgetting thing has been the theme for the week. The more crowded my mind becomes the more stuff I forget and lately my mind has been very crowded. Note to self: must remember to stop thinking...
Sorry for all the weird spacing - Blogger is being difficult today - sometimes I win and sometimes the computer wins - today it is the computer.
ETA - I didn't mean to make this sound all "oh Look at me and my pretty signs" - so if you read it that way that is not the way I meant it to sound.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
TTFN and don't forget to remember...
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Sometimes that feeling of being unique is very liberating and sometimes it is very scary and sometimes it is just lonely. BUT sometimes we run across someone and we know this person gets it - at least one unique quirky trait anyway. So I discovered this guy, Ken Armstrong, and his blog. I'm not really sure how I came across him. Seriously, I don't remember, and he was a recent find so I guess I wasn't paying much attention - until I started to read what he had to say and then I started paying attention. I was planning on adding him to my list of blogs I like in the sidebar but I wasn't overly impressed by what he had to say today so I started looking at his "favorite entries" list and read. And then I came across this post and I thought - this guy gets it - this guy gets the entire life/moments/memories connection. Anyway, I thought he did a great job of telling the story. And really the story itself is not earth shattering, it's simply a story of a day in the life but it's the connection that he does a great job of describing. He get's it.
I know I know this is a lot of build-up for a very simple thing but what can I say - I get excited when I think there is someone else who gets the experience - the connection. You might not think it is all that - but I thought it was a good story so there you go...
Sunday, March 22, 2009
It's a darn good thing that babies and puppies are cute because sometimes that is the only thing they've got going for them :-) Seriously, Autumn is doing well. She was sick once on the way home (on me - and just for the record every occupant of our home - with the exception of the HotY - has puked on me at least once - sometimes being a mom isn't all it's cracked up to be), she's pooped in the house twice and had several piddles but nothing too serious. I think we'll keep her :-) . Daisy the cat is seriously ticked off and gave her a big whop on the head but she'll get over herself soon. All in all we're having fun - but remind me - how long does this puppy stage last :-)
Friday, March 20, 2009
I arrived at my scheduled time with daughters in tow (Alex had a bowling date). The place was PACKED. There were over 1000 people in attendance – WOW! After getting Syd situated with friends dancing to the live band and then surrendering Lauren over to her “boyfriend” Oliver, who became her escort for the rest of the evening (it was the cutest darn thing – he is in Kindergarten also, I have been told he refers to Lauren as GIRLFRIEND (LOL) and they both love Star Wars Legos – Lauren is no Barbie lovin’ girl) I made my way over to the Face Painting table, where there were several other face painters, I picked up my paintbrush and went to work. About half-way through the evening my clientele changed from little kids wanting butterflies and unicorns and fish to Middle School and Jr. High girls asking for beards and moustaches and other assorted facial features. WHAT? Why do you pretty girls want to look like ugly boys? But I worked away and my line continued to grow. Suddenly there were three sixth grade girls in front of me asking for black eyes. Me: “You want to look like you have a black eye? REALLY?” Them: “Yes Yes Yes” Okay. And I do have to say when I was done they looked pretty real – if I do say so myself. It was fun. While giving the girls their “black eyes” we talked and they all knew Lauren and Sydney and they all knew about Syd’s love for Wyatt. It seems that Wyatt turns red whenever Syd’s name is mentioned but he is very sweet to her. I was glad to hear that as I did not want him being mean to her because she is soooo darn persistent. I thoroughly enjoyed chatting with these nice girls. I was glad to hear they knew and liked my daughters, and seemed to look out for them at school. AND the best news – now I have the names and phone numbers of three potentially awesome babysitters – YEAH!
Anyway, the night was a huge success. Much money was made for the school foundation, my girls had a BLAST, dancing and playing games and visiting with friends. I had fun talking with all the kids and I have babysitter names. What more could a girl ask for on a Friday night???
Puppy pick-up this Friday. I can’t wait!!!
Thursday, March 19, 2009
I’ve needed some peace lately so Todd on the radio – it was a very good thing.
My peace, what little of it I have – and if you have ever called my house or stopped by you know what I’m talking about - will probably be pretty short-lived since our new puppy will be taking up residence in our home on Friday evening. The girls and I went to the pet store yesterday and “stocked up” which to the girls meant a pink doggie bed complete with pink bone shaped pillow and blankie and doggie toys. What I did not buy was the carpet deodorizer /neutralizer stuff for “accidents”. I thought we already had some and it was $11.00. The HotY didn’t exactly follow my logic – ”you bought a doggie bed for $25 but you passed on the carpet stuff because it was $11 and we might already have it?” I’m sorry but I still don’t understand his dismay – I mean we DIDN’T have a doggie bed and we MIGHT have had the carpet stuff (we didn’t – but I didn’t know that at the time) what is hard to understand about that concept? So it looks like one more trip to the pet store – this time HE can go :-)
TTFN… Have a great evening!
Monday, March 16, 2009
After bedtime last night the HotY and I were talking and he said “I think you better be prepared” and I said “what for?” to which he replied “Syd wants to know how tight you have to hug to make a baby”. OMG – nooooo I thought we were done with this topic for awhile. And now she wants to know how tight you have to hug? And you know the girl is all about hugging Wyatt no matter how many times I have told her that hugging him is not the thing to do. But regardless I thought the hugging answer was a great answer for five year olds but maybe not so much. I don’t know.
Actually, I’m worried about Syd. What if, somehow, I am giving her some kind of subliminal messages that it is all about boys? That all that matters is what boys think? I don’t know. I never say anything like that and I certainly don’t play subservient to the HotY but it seems that she is picking this up somewhere and I can only deduce it is from me. I never just tell my kids that they are cute or beautiful and not follow it up with telling them they are smart and kind and clever or whatever the situation may deem appropriate. I want them to be confident and secure and not obsessed with how they look. I want them to be well-rounded and not dependent on a boy to make them feel good about themselves. Lauren seems to be doing okay in this department but Syd, already at 5, seems to think it is all about boys. How do I convince her that boys are not all that – I mean I wouldn’t want to live in a world without them but you know what I mean. **SIGH** it’s going to be long 20 years isn’t it????
So there you go. Girls and boys and hugging – the basis for all the interactions in the world and it’s happening in my own little house
Sunday, March 15, 2009
This morning I woke up early when the girls climbed into our bed and then I fell back to sleep and had the saddest dream. I woke-up crying and have basically been there ever since. The nicer the HotY and the kids are the more I cry. WTH. There are a few exceptions, but generally I am not a huge crier (now my friend Roxann - that girl is a crier - her eyes can well up with tears at the drop of a hat) so when I have a day like this all I can think about is making it end. I've been cleaning and doing laundry. I read a magazine and went for a walk, surfed the Internet (where I just found more stories to cry over :-() and thought about taking a nap. I should be making signs but when I'm feeling sad I just can't make myself be creative. Maybe I'll play WebKinz and make some KinzCash for my girlies. There is nothing like a good game of Cash Cow or Home Before Dark to make you forget all your troubles.
Friday, March 13, 2009
So I'm thinking of discontinuing this blog. I know I have said this before, when I felt like my writing was getting stale, but now I'm saying it because I'm not really sure what my purpose of the blog is anymore. I started writing because it was fun to express my quirkly thoughts on life and to document the every day things that happen in our household and little part of the world. Now my writing , not so much entertaining as contemplative, and really who wants to read that kind of stuff. And why am I writing? If this is going to become some sort of private diary than shouldn't it be private? I mean I get readers but not a lot of commenters so if the purpose is to share ideas and get feedback that purpose is not being fulfilled. Maybe my purpose in blogging is purely selfish as I like to write, I like to put my thoughts down on paper. The problem with that is when you put your thoughts on paper and then share them with the world you have to expect people to know about your life and I don't know - sometimes I'm not sure I should be sharing what I share - that it would be better to just keep my mouth shut. I just don't know. I feel so unsettled. And I feel like I have a lot to say and yet nothing at all - and when I do say something I'm not quite sure what to say and it comes out all wrong so I think I should just not say anything at all - but then it just bubbles up to the surface again. Do you know what I mean? Or is this just another one of the darn quirky things about me? (The HotY and I were discussing something the other night and I was asking him hypothetical questions. Finally he looked at me kissed me and said "Ang, I really don't think there is anyone else like you in the world." and he meant it in the nicest way, but still... ) See, see this is what I mean - is this the kind of thing I should be sharing? Is this the kind of thing I should be putting out there for the world to see and read? I don't know. Sometimes I think - well if people see themselves in what I write then maybe it is the thing to do (listen to me - sounding all Pulitzer Prize winning writer on you - ha).
Okay I better quit now before I start sounding like a character from Brothers and Sisters - which my dad has deemed the biggest bunch of whiny, selfish, self-centered characters on TV next to Thirty Something (which I would like to watch again as I wasn't old enough to appreciate it when it was in it's prime).
So there you go. My thoughts on a Friday. I know I know finding the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow it was not...
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
The girls had swimming lessons - the first lesson since last summer. And, just like the first lesson of the series that summer, I needed to stop and get gas. Although I left in plenty of time and went to a familiar gas station and knew that I paid correctly and could get the gas nozzle thingie down without touching it and I wasn't late I still did not come out of the encounter ditz free. I got out of the van and started filling up and the girls started yelling "MOM it's cold shut the door" I don't know what I was thinking about but it wasn't putting gas in the van and while deep in thought I forgot to close the door when I got out. Big eye roll - what was I thinking??? Where was I?
We were a little early for swimming (really, it's true) so instead of heading right for the club we took a drive in the neighborhood - a neighborhood I used to know very well as I used to live there. I took the hidden alley behind my former house on the one-way street and showed the girls the window that used to be my room. They weren't impressed - as a matter of fact they said "that's an icky house mom - I'm glad you don't live there anymore". At least they are honest :-)
Then we went to the lessons. They are taught by my friend Jan. She has privileges at a local health club - the same health club I went to for years when I actually liked to work-out. And although that was many years ago - before children - the place still looks the same. The colors in the locker room are the same, the front desk is the same, the pool is the same - I even saw some of the same people that were there all that time ago. It was kind of surreal. It made me want to work out (I KNOW!) It made me feel like I've been this way before. Like I said - it was just kind of a weird day.
I did watch Dancing With The Stars on Monday. There are some BAD dancers this time. And what is the deal with that Apple computer guy? He's old and everyone knows even the young computer geeks don't know how to dance - it's a documented fact - just look it up. I was most impressed with Shawn Johnson and the Melissa chick that was dumped by the Bachelor - I'm glad to see she is back on her feet. I'm thinking that Mr. I'm the best dad in the world Jason the Bachelor guy is not so much - you know? That man is going to be single for a lllllllllloooooooonnnnnnnnggggggg time. Pick a path and at least fight it out man - holy bananas. Anyway, there just isn't anyone making my heart go pitter patter :-) Where's my Mario? Syd was very impressed with the show and was mostly concerned about the costumes and shoes. SHOES - where did she get this shoe thing? I mean I like a cute pair of shoes and all but I don't have the typical female shoe fetish- not usually anyway - unless they are really really cute and maybe a little blingy and pretty and (okay maybe I like shoes a little) Anyway, it was not a good thing if she didn't get a look at the shoes - who knew. Oh and to say she was impressed by the fact that Barbie and I share the same birthday (although not the same number, contrary to what my friend Wendy would have you believe) would be an understatement. She's my girl :-)
Before I go I have one other random item: here is a link to Tara Whitney's blog. She is a photographer. She has posted this awesome video. Watch it - really - it will make you smile - it might make you cry - but either way it is such a sweet video I had to share. Who knew...
TTFN... some roads lead to new destinations and some just go in circles but regardless at least you're moving.
Monday, March 9, 2009
You know it's such a funny thing about birthday's. I always tell myself that my birthday doesn't really matter. That I'm a grown-up. That everyone has a birthday - I'm not any more special than anyone else. But then it starts to creep up - that feeling of anticipation. Of wanting to really feel special. Like it is a big day - this day I entered the world.
I'll get up thinking that every thing about the day is going to be bigger and better than any other day. That the sun is going to shine brighter and the birds are going to sing sweeter and everyone will be nice to me and there won't be any sadness or anger or disappointment - that life is bliss. But then the end of the day will come and I'll realize it really wasn't that much different than any other day. That is not to say that the day will not be good. It will be good - very good - my kids and the HotY will be extra nice. I won't have to cook. I'll go out to lunch with Amy and maybe for a few cocktails with friends in the evening - but all in all - it's just a day like any other day (except those two little numbers which partially define me will be changing) - it is only in my mind - that thing about the sun and the birds and the goodness in the world - that the day is really anything beyond ordinary.
I don't mean to sound all melancholy (that's the problem with staying up late at night when the house is quiet - a lot of time to think). I've had a great birthday so far. We had cake and ice cream at my parents with a very nice gift. The HotY gave me a very unexpected and appreciated and far too expensive gift. My kids are all excited about giving me the cards they have made. It's good. All good. I know it's good. So don't get me wrong. I'm very appreciative of the life I have. Of the kindness and goodness and love I am surrounded with on a daily basis. It is all good - very good.
Sooooo, in light of my birthday I'm going to give you a list of songs you might want to add to your iPod if they aren't already there. These are some of my favorites from the non-mainstream (does that make sense). Some are new and some are old. Listen and enjoy. Or don't listen and move on. It is what it is :-)
Here you go - Happy Birthday to me - from me :-)
1, Adele - Chasing Pavements (thanks Amy :-))
2. Snow Patrol - You Could Be Happy
3. One Republic - Come Home
4. One Republic - Won't Stop (ignore the video - it is the only clip of the song that I could find that wasn't a live version - it's about the song - not the video :-))
5. U2 - Running To Stand Still
6. U2 - Sweetest Thing
7. Shinedown - Second Chance
8. 3 Doors Down - Let Me Be Myself
9. Bruce Springsteen - One Step Up
10. Del Amitri - Tell Her This
Saturday, March 7, 2009
So that birthday wish I made yesterday - it now includes "private shower".
TTFN... and remember to think twice about those pretty clear doors.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
So I'm on vacation (I'd say holiday but that is way too pretentious for me - I mean really, it (that whole pretentious fake British accent thing) didn't work for Madonna, so I'm positive it won't work for me). And truthfully, vacation is even pushing it a little. I have Friday and Monday off to go NOWHERE - to do NOTHING - Hooray for me. Well I won't be spending the entire time doing nothing but you know what I mean - no real obligations.
Friday I am meeting my friend Sue for lunch so we can figure out the community ed classes we will enroll our kids in this spring, which is just code for "find a time to get together and chat without kids or husbands" :-) So tonight, I'll stay up late, sleep in tomorrow and then go out for lunch - possibly followed by a little shopping (I need new sunglasses) - the options are limitless.
Monday is my birthday and I am still juvenile enough to want the day off. I mean it is bad enough thinking about turning 30 this year (Wendy - not ONE word) without having to work through the day :-) Besides I am meeting my friend Amy for lunch followed by shopping (that is a definite) - it's an all day event. I don't know what is planned after that. I might just send my kids to SACC and really enjoy an entire day to myself. Again, so many choices - the trail could lead anywhere :-) Oh and lest we forget - Dancing With the Stars begins it's new season.
And lastly about my friends (since I seem to be making that reference frequently tonight) my good friend Roxann came over last night and while we were talking she asked me what I wanted for my birthday and I couldn't come up with a good answer because seriously, just having a good, happy day filled with love is all I need. So, that's my wish (well that and for the anonymous commenter /reader to reveal themselves. Oh and for Dancing with the Stars to introduce a Rob Lowe secret super special dancing extravaganza).
I'm rambling. I've been kind of rambly lately. Feel free to doze off - just don't tell me - or at least wait until my birthday is over :-)
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
That's it - all I've got - there is nothing happening in the big city. I could ramble on but I think I've already done that :-) So I'm out for now.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
So moving on... in case you're wondering I still do not know who my anonymous commenter/reader is. Just because I haven't said anything doesn't mean I've quit thinking about it - so come on - just let me know who you are. Don't make me link Taylor Swift again -one time was embarrassing enough :-)
Okay, that's it. I'm a little too crabby to be writing anyway.
TTFN... Think of me tomorrow because I'd much rather be thinking of you than what is on my agenda.