Saturday, May 21, 2011

Ebb and flow...

Life is full of ebb and flow, ups and downs, give and take, you now, all that stuff given as sage advice by those bestowing wisdom.  My life is constantly being influenced by these factors which make or break a week, day, hour or even a minute.  That's life!  Being the parent of a disabled child I can sometimes really feel that ebb and flow thing.  I don't speak too often of what it is like being Alex's mother.  I don't know if this sounds bad but I just really don't give it much thought - it is what it is (another one of  today's oh so enlightening phrases) but in it's truest form it really is what it is.  I love my son and there is nothing I can do that would change the fact that he was born with Down Syndrome.  That doesn't mean I don't have feelings and emotions about the situation it just means that I usually just take it all with a grain of salt and move on.  I'm not sure I do that in all areas of my life, but in this one I do, right or wrong.  So, I have been somewhat taken by surprise lately with the overwhelmingly sad emotions I have felt when reflecting on Alex's upcoming graduation date.  It has nothing to do with the sadness I feel about my baby growing up and becoming more independent it has more to do with what he (and truthfully me) will not be fully experiencing during this journey of his life.  I was caught very off guard after receiving the first graduation party invitation of the year (and each one thereafter).  Tears began pouring down my face.  I actually had to sit there for a minute and think "what the heck - what is this about - why am I crying" and then it hit me.  All this joy and anticipation about the graduation festivities, the summer parties, the college preparations, they aren't really a part of Alex's life, our life.  I mean we'll have the graduation and eventually we'll have the party (there seems to be a bit of procrastination going on by the main party planner in the house but what can I say, it happens) but the meaning and significance isn't quite to same. Although I have a soon to be graduating high school senior in words it is a surreal experience for me as in many ways Alex is still a child and will always remain that way.  I feel a bit shameful saying those words because other than the day Alex was born I have not given much thought to the things I might miss in life because of Down Syndrome.  The things I have experienced and the pure, unconditional relationship I have with my son is something few have the privilege to feel - it is a gift (really, can you believe how sappy this is - but it is how I feel - even if I do sound like a writer for Hallmark).  When I feel sad about things with Alex it is because of how they affect him, but this, this graduation thing, is hitting my own feelings of loss.  It's making me sad.  I am missing the journey that most parents with a graduating senior are making.  So there you go, my selfish feelings.  I know this too will pass with the ebb and flow of everyday life, but it was just so unexpected.  It was a low I didn't anticipate.  So there you go, I've talked, I probably won't mention it again but for today, I talked...

TTFN...

1 comment:

Amy said...

And I think you are a gift to Alex!