Okay here's the thing...

I don't talk about this often - because - well I'd like to pretend it doesn't exist - but the truth of the matter is I really need to get control of my diet and fitness. In other words I NEED A DIET - seriously. I used to be soooo good about the fitness thing. I worked out regularly (like five days out of seven - and that does not include the leisurely Saturday or Sunday afternoon bike ride or walk I would fit in) and I walked almost everywhere except to my job. So see what I mean, that was good stuff. My diet - well that has never been the best. There was a time when I would only eat 800 calories in one day (I'm not kidding about this - you can ask around). I would eat whatever I wanted (some days it may have been 8 cookies) but once I hit that magical 800 calories I was done for the day and I wouldn't budge no matter how much cajoling there was by my roommates to please share pizza with them. I did this calorie restricting thing pretty faithfully for about four years, dropping pounds every week, working out consistently and yet continuing to think I was the fattest chick in the aerobics class (and really, I was never a skinny-as-a-rail kind of girl - my body genetics just have not predisposed me to that kind of figure. I'm a pear. I had an itty-bitty top with hips and thighs - YUCK). I hid in the back of the class just so I wouldn't have to confront the mirrors. I was told this type of behavior is called "anorexic tendencies" - whatever, I really hate being labeled. And then some things happened in my life that kind of knocked me off my feet and I found that I felt compelled to eat. I couldn't not eat anymore but still the mirror and scale dominated my life so I discovered a new way to combat the fat monster - I can eat and then I can throw up! WOW what a fabulous idea. Never mind that it took a ton of time and it's smelly and it made me tired and gave me callouses on my fingers - it was a way to have my cake and eat it too - literally. I was made to attend a Bulimia therapy group - they kicked me out - I was too ambivalent (It's true - I couldn't make up this kind of stuff). So on it went, trying to find my perfect skinny body which existed and yet I never saw it. Finally it stopped - I got pregnant and realized that this was no way to make a healthy baby. So I just stopped - I have been told that this is very unusual - this ability to just stop - atypical - quirky - that label I understand. And when I got pregnant the pounds piled on. All those abused fat cells in my body decided to rebel and had one heck of a party. WooHoo - let's inflate - and they did. And so the cycle continued until I am where I am today. It's not good. How I feel about myself affects every aspect of every moment of my life so it isn't simply about vanity it's about my life. So tomorrow (you really didn't expect me to NOT procrastinate on this did you) I'm beginning to take control of my life again - at least my diet and fitness life. It's the least I can do for me and my kids and the HotY.
This has been a very hard thing for me to write because, like I said, I would prefer to just pretend none of this exists. That people really do love me for who I am on the inside, but we all know the truth of that little lie - we are a superficial society - many lasting judgements are made on that first impression. For those of you who only know me through this blog you may find my revelations surprising since I don't know that I have ever complained about how I look but it's not good. So I'm hoping that you all will stick with me. I may talk about it now and then. I'll probably do a little update monthly just to keep me honest and you may find I'm a little crabbier than usual - but it's time for change and we all will have to take the good with the bad...

TTFN... man, I need to find a kleenex :-)